


Welcome to Torchwood

by Jackdaw816



Category: Torchwood, Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Canon Compliant, Creepy, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Pre-Canon, Transcript Available
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26505748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jackdaw816/pseuds/Jackdaw816
Summary: A strange creature behind the Ralphs, a break-in at the Museum of Forbidden Technologies, and visitors in Night Vale. Overall, a slightly unordinary day for Cecil Gershwin Palmer
Relationships: Jack Harkness & Cecil Palmer
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	Welcome to Torchwood

**Author's Note:**

> So I came up with this idea roughly 24 hours ago and now I'm done because my brain would not shut up. This story is available in both podfic and regular fic format, both right here. 
> 
> This takes place pre-Night Vale canon and late season 2 for Torchwood. No major spoilers for Night Vale, but lots of implied spoilers for Torchwood.

**[Welcome to Torchwood](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1mEiNJ1gEXnHa20M7jf1ClH5S4HUVC-9z/view?usp=sharing) **

**Cecil:** Torchwood: outside the government, beyond the police. Tracking down alien life on Earth, arming the human race against the future. The twenty-first century is when everything changes. *Paper rustles* Oh, I’m sorry, listeners. I think I’ve got the wrong script. Let’s try this again, shall we? Welcome to Night Vale.

*Torchwood Theme plays*

Today’s an exciting day here in Night Vale, listeners! We have visitors in town! Now, now, hold back your sharp gasps and pitiful whispers. The Sheriff’s Secret Police have assured me that they mean no harm.

I wasn’t told exactly _why_ these visitors are here, but rumor has it they’re here about the uh… the being that’s been rummaging around behind the Ralphs. As I’ve mentioned in an earlier broadcast, this being was first spotted about three days ago by John Peters, you know, the farmer? 

He was going to the Ralphs to buy wheat & wheat by-products as highly recommended by the City Council when he saw what he thought was a person digging through the dumpster. He quickly discovered that it was _not_ a person when he approached them to offer some spare change or a hot meal and was met with a mouthful of fangs.

The Ralphs has been temporarily cordoned off until this crisis is averted. Hopefully soon, I’m running out of wheat myself. I sure wish I had a boyfriend to help remind me that groceries don’t just appear in the cupboards. (Except, of course, on random government-dictated Thursdays.) *Heavy sigh* Now, that’s quite enough about poor old Cecil, listeners. Let me read you today’s horoscopes.

Aries: Step outside and take a deep breath of fresh air. No, deeper. _Deeper._ Breath deeply until your lungs over-inflate and pop like balloons inside your chest. Now, don’t you feel better?

Taurus: Grab the bull by the horns. Seriously, there’s a bull charging right at you. Grab its horns or else you’ll be - oh. Oh, it’s too late. I’m sorry, Taurus.

Gemini: There’s a spider in your bed. Her name is Gertrude. She’s very sorry for intruding. If you see her, please say hello and don’t scream. She’s very tired of the screaming.

Cancer: No matter how anxious you feel, please remember that your friends love you. Even if you’re a two-headed bird the size of a building. Even when you eat their car. No, put tHE COW DOW-

Leo: Your life will be long and pleasant. Unless your name happens to start with an ‘I’. Then I am afraid you will die young. But don’t worry. We all die alone.

Virgo: Congratulations! You’re the latest recipient of a government-assigned gender. Please open the letter under your seat to learn your new gender. 

Libra: Take a me-day. Fill the tub with sweet-smelling bubble bath, prepare a mug of your favorite hot drink, and settle down with a good book. Just kidding about the book. We all know books are dangerous and shameful. 

Scorpio: Cancel your plans. Forget your elaborate heist scheme and go home. Take a nap. Pet a cat. No? Well, we warned you.

Sagittarius: Don’t look out the window. They’re waiting for you. Don’t let them know you know of them knowing you or you’ll know your knowing is known to them.

Capricorn: You know something is wrong. Two realities, both not truly real, meeting and interacting. It sends shivers down your spine. Or it would if you had a spine.

Aquarius: Don’t worry. Someone will look after your plants when you’re dead again. 

Pisces: You’ll never drown. You’re a fish. Enjoy swimming upriver until you get eaten by a bear.

I have an update on the visitors. Apparently, they’re from Britain. Wales, to be precise. Huh. I didn’t know people lived in whales. Better watch out for the baleen; that’s all I’ve got to say. There are three of them, two men and a woman. They’re all wearing sunglasses even though it’s rather overcast today. 

They’re currently eating lunch at Big Rico’s Pizza. A good choice! Big Rico’s is the best (and only) pizzeria in Night Vale after all! I’m sending the station intern, Alicia, down there right now to get a comment from these visitors. While we wait for them, let me read you a message from our sponsors.

Today’s sponsor is Harper’s Jellied Eels. Harper’s, the number one supplier of jellied eels to Britain and Northern Europe. Don’t know what a jellied eel is? That’s fine. We’re not a hundred percent certain either. These crates just keep arriving, and we don’t question them. The first rule of the jellied eel business, don’t question the mysterious crates. Buy Harper’s Jellied Eels today!

Listeners, I’ve just received word of a break-in over at the Museum of Forbidden Technologies. It seems to be unrelated to the visitors, but then you never know with _visitors_. The culprit, described by an eyewitness as “a man in a red coat,” simply appeared in the middle of the museum. 

He removed the thick burlap from many of the exhibits, revealing their secrets to the citizens of Night Vale. He then absconded with one of the many time machines on display. The eye witness, who wishes to remain anonymous (no problem, Jan), described his escape, “He just walked into the light and was gone. It was like he’d never been there at all.”

If anyone has any information on this heinous act, please notify your closest Vague, Yet Menacing, Government Agent.

Ah, Intern Alicia just called. They said that they have the leader of the visitors for me to talk to. Brilliant! Hello, you’re on the air!

 **Jack:** Hi. Sorry, did you say on the air?

 **Cecil:** Tell me, visitor, what is your name? And what are you and your friends doing in our friendly desert community?

 **Jack:** Captain Jack Harkness. We’re Torchwood.

 **Cecil:** Touch-wood?

 **Jack:** Torchwood. We’re… pest control. We specialize in certain nasty creatures.

 **Cecil:** So you are here to deal with the thing behind the Ralphs!

 **Jack:** Uh, yes. We think it’s a garden-variety Weevil, shouldn’t be much trouble at all. We’re not quite sure how it ended up in the American Southwest. I’m not quite sure how _we_ ended up in the American Southwest.

 **Cecil:** Ah yes. Visitors don’t tend to stick around here very long. We’re not sure why; we’re very friendly here in Night Vale.

 **Jack:** *Aside* Ianto, I think you’re right; this is a cult. *Back to Cecil* Well, you certainly do have great pizza.

 **Cecil:** I eat it every week. It’s a misdemeanor not to!

 **Jack:** *Awkward chuckle* Well, I’m gonna pass the phone back to your friend now. We’ve got a Weevil to catch.

 **Cecil:** Good luck!

Well, wasn’t he just grand? I wish Night Vale had men like him, smart and handsome and with great hair- *Clears throat* I’m sorry, listeners. I’m just feeling a little lonely these days. Single, what a great way to start off 2009. But that’s alright! Because I have all of you! And while Captain Harkness and his friends tackle the Weevil behind the Ralphs, let me update you on traffic.

There is a man standing in the road. There are no cars on the road nor any other people. There is just the man. He faces eastward, hands clasped behind his back, weight on his heels. People say he is waiting. Waiting for what? A bus? A friend? The sweet release of death? Who can say. All we know is that he is waiting. Eternally waiting. This has been traffic.

Intern Alicia has returned to the station! They are saying that Captain Harkness and Torchwood have successfully removed the Weevil from the Ralphs. Citizens of Night Vale are now free to carry on their shopping for typical foodstuffs such as cookies or bouncy balls without fear.

Hm? Oh, Alicia is saying that Torchwood has left. They have important work to do back home. But they sent a gift? The best coffee in the universe? We’ll see about that. *Slurping noise* Okay, that’s actually rather good. Thank you. Alicia said thank you too. They had theirs on the way over.

*Yawns* Apologies, listeners. I’m feeling rather drowsy all of a sudden. And Intern Alicia has just collapsed on the floor. I think they’re still breathing, but I can’t seem to move to check. *A louder yawn* While I wait for this coffee to properly wake me up... let me take you now... to the weather... *Sound of head thunking on table*

[Old Black Train by the Blasting Company](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XrBYRqQ3tI)

We’re back, listeners. But… I do not remember going. I don’t even remember coming to the station at all today. Yet here we are, after the weather, the end of my broadcast. I tried to play back the tapes, but it was just static and occasionally a man’s laughter. Intern Alicia is nowhere to be seen. I do hope they just went home early. We go through interns very quickly here at Night Vale Community Radio and I’d hate to lose another one.

Normally, I would wrap up what major story I was telling during today’s broadcast to leave you all satisfied. But since I cannot recall today’s broadcast, I will leave you with this instead. Wear a mask to hide your smile. Baring teeth is a threat. This is why baleen whales are naturally unthreatening. Good night, Night Vale. Good night.

 **Jackdaw:** Welcome to Torchwood is a fic by Jackdaw816. Today’s weather was Old Black Train by the Blasting Company. Find out more at [blastingcompany.bandcamp.com.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XrBYRqQ3tI) Today’s Proverb: You can’t draw blood from a corpse. Wait, what do you mean turnip?


End file.
